What used to be my sex appeal,
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I’ve got a full time job,
To find the friggin’ thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!
========
Mrs. Cohen went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
Said he: “Get undressed, Mrs.Cohen, and lie down on the examining table.”
She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her ‘private parts’.
After a couple of minutes he asked: “How does that feel?”
“Wonderful,” she replied, “But the discharge is from my ear!”
=======
Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous?
In summary, the police arrested Lawrence P., 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12.01 a.m. on Friday. On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, “You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn’t anyone around,” he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need.
“Guess I was really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until the officer him.
“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said the officer. “I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just banging away at this pumpkin.”
The officer went on to describe what happened when he approached Lawrence. I said, “Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin??”
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said… “A pumpkin? Sh!t… is it midnight already?”
=======
British Humor
-
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole sordid thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her to death in the morning!
-
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did… she’s 21 and her name’s Cindy.
-
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other ugly names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary!
-
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops… Although they do make me look a bit gay.
-
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said, “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”
-
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year; You want to stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether?”
-
Q: What’s the difference between a blond and a brick?
A: The brick doesn’t follow you home after you lay it.
-
Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend – Beautiful,
Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words… B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
-
Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in. I only used it for half an hour and I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It does everything – KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.”
-
Question – Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said: Yes, 11% said: No, and 72% said: “انا لا فهم السؤال من فضلك؟“
-
On my Census form there is a question “Do you have any dependants?”
Apparently putting “Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single moms, Romanians, loafers, crack heads and non English speaking people” isn’t the right answer?? They’ve sent my form back!
-
Prince William says he doesn’t want the traditional fruitcake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn’t give a rat’s ass, he’s still going.
~ Brick
September 30, 2011
brasslugnuts
brasslugnuts 