Free Healthcare Checkup!

 

 

 

 

 

 

     ~ Brick

I’m Feeling All Better Now…

Think you had a bad day???

The next time you feel that nobody loves you, no one cares, or that no

one ever notices you, think about this guy:

 

Worker dead at desk for five days

*From the NY Times: Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why

no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk

for five days before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George

Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm

for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23

other workers.*

*He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning

when an office cleaner asked why he was working during the weekend.*

His boss, Elliot Wachiaski said: “George was always the first guy in each

morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he

was in the same position all that time and didn’t say anything. He was

always absorbed in this work and kept much to himself.

*A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days

after suffering a coronary. George was proofreading manuscripts of medical

textbooks when he died.*

*You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally. The moral of

the story: Don’t work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.*

 

*Things Still Got Ya Down? Well, Then, Consider These . . .

*

*In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed,

on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with

the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred

around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to

investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM, all of the doctors

and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the

terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer

books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. *

*Just when the clock struck 11:00,* *Pookie Johnson, the part-time

Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he

could use the vacuum cleaner.

**Still Having a Bad Day?*

*The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill

in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most

expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers

and applause from onlookers.*

*A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. *

*Still think you are having a Bad Day?*

*A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking

frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from

his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the

deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his

arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his

IPod. *

*Are Ya OK Now? -** ** No?*

*Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to

a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke

loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless

protesters were trampled to death.

**What? STILL having a Bad** **Day?*

*Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb.

It came back with ‘Return to Sender’ stamped on it. Forgetting it was the

bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits.*

*God is good! *

 

*There now, Feeling Better?*

 

     ~ Brick

Musta Been All That Good Corn Liquor?

 

An 80-year-old WV hillbilly goes to the doctor for a check-up…

 

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, ‘How do you stay in such great physical condition?’

‘I’m from WV and I am a hunter,’ says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out hunting all day … I have a beer, and all is well.’

‘Well’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?’

‘Who said my Father’s dead?’

The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your Father’s still alive. How old is he?’

‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the old Hillbilly ‘In fact he hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had a little beer and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s A WV man and he’s a hunter, too.’

‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Father’s Father? How old was he when he died?’

‘Who said my Papaw’s dead?’

Stunned, the doctor asks, ‘you mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still alive?’

‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the old Hillbilly. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, ‘So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?’

‘No, Papaw couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting married!! Why would a 118 year old guy want to get married?’

‘Who said he wanted to?’

 

     ~ Brick

Captian Jack Squat… heh heh heh!

DALE is a cartoonist on a mission hailing from northern Virginia, within sniffing distance of Congress. Following in the footsteps of Ronald Reagan, he believes that “If you can’t make them see the light, make them feel the heat.” His work can be seen at http://daletoons.blogspot.com/.

     ~ Brick

        
Woman’s Ass Size Study: There is a new study just out about women and how they feel about their asses… The results were pretty interesting. 30% of women think their ass is too fat. 10% of women think their ass is too skinny. The remaining 60% say they don’t care, they love him anyway, he’s a good man and wouldn’t trade him for the world! 

As Osama bin Laden entered the afterlife…

As Osama bin Laden entered the afterlife, he was astonished to be greeted by George Washington, who floored him with a vicious right hook to the jaw. “You will answer for your assault upon my country,” he said.

Osama staggered to his feet only to see Patrick Henry approach and punch him in the nose, shouting, “You wanted to end our liberties but we gave you death!”

James Madison followed, short in stature and red-faced with anger, and beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, “This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!”

The tall, lanky Thomas Jefferson was next, and he swiftly kicked Osama in the groin. “It was evil men like you against whom the Declaration of Independence was directed,” he said as Osama collapsed.

The beatings and thrashings continued as James Monroe, George Mason and 66 other early Americans unleashed their fury on the terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden began to weep and said, “This is not what you promised me.”

The Angel replied, “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in the afterlife. What did you think I said??”

     ~ Brick

        
As a fairly newly discovered diabetic… I have learned some cool stuff: So, when you fall off the wagon and eat a whole cheesecake er something… If you quickly drink a bottle of scotch! It cancels it out… Ya see, what happens is your liver gets so busy trying to get rid of that poison alcohol, it stops making sugar… And, you get a free pass on the cheesecake!!! Of course, my liver could croak any day now? But, I’ll be to drunk to give a damn! 

 

 

Oprah is Gone???

 

My God!  What will we do???

The Oprah show was all about this crazy-rich liberal fat colored lady who spent the last 25 years trying unsuccessfully to get skinny. Amazingly, millions of other losers and wannabe’s tuned every day to see how she was doing? She did get fairly slim a couple of times; but then she would have Paula Dean on the show… And, then she and all of her viewers would quickly fatten up again. Sometimes, when she ran out of room to store her gobs of money, she would give away stuff to her studio audience… Like cars and crazy vacations to Australia to hug kangaroos. She got stupid rich because losers would buy all the useless shit advertised on her show. She would even tell her losers what books to buy… Even though most of them can’t actually read words and stuff. Some of the dumbest authors ever published got rich too; because gobs of losers bought their books. You can find most any of them now at garage sales for 50 cents. She was supposed to be a Christian colored lady; but she often had oddball preachers and psychic readers on her show, plus Dr. Phil, who can cure anybody of anything just by yelling at them! She must be pretty mixed up about sex and stuff; because she has had both a girlfriend and a big ‘ol boyfriend for years… I guess when you are that rich you don’t have to make up your mind?

      ~ Brick

Life Before the “Green Thing”…

 

The Wasteful Older Generations!

.

In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized to him and explained, “We didn’t have the green thing back in my day.”

.

The clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. The former generation did not care enough to save our environment.”

.

He was right, that generation didn’t have the green thing in its day.

.

Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

.

But they didn’t have the green thing back in that customer’s day.

.

In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks.

.

But she was right. They didn’t have the green thing in her day.

.

Back then, they washed the baby’s diapers because they didn’t have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts – wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

.

But that old lady is right, they didn’t have the green thing back in her day.

.

Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a hankerchief, not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn’t have electric machines to do everything for you.

.

When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

.

Back then, they didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

.

But she’s right, they didn’t have the green thing back then.

.

They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

.

My dad cut and split our firewood with an axe. He changed the oil in the truck himself and used the old oil to lubricate his equipment. Oh yeah, he also cut all the trees and hauled them to the sawmill for the lumber to build our house. We never has a mortgage because he and a couple neighbors built it themselves. We always had fresh vegatables; all we had to do was walk outside and pick them from our garden.

.

But they didn’t have the green thing back then.

.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space to find a pizza joint and have a pizza delivered to your door.

.

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks were just because they didn’t have the green thing back then?

 

 

      ~ Brick

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational… Funny Stuff!

    The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take
any word from the dictionary and supply a new definition by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2 Ignoranus : A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid..

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn’t get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a
serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect : The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve
accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you’re eating.

——-

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly
contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common
words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run
over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
men

===========

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an
earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is
curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.

The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him
to ask, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

(I always wondered how this trend got started)

===========

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was
‘Onestone’. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,’ If
anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!’

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, ‘Good morning,
Onestone.’

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made
love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird ,
who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged
him and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to
her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
made love to her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn’t die!

Why ???

Everyone knows…You can’t kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!

=========

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on
sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice
anything different about me?”

Margaret looked him over. “Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back
into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything
different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different?
It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging
down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope. Not a clue”, she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!”

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat.”

==========

The Plan:

1. In the beginning was the Plan.

2. And then came the Assumptions,

3. And the Assumptions were without form.

4. And the Plan was without Substance.

5. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

6. And they spoke among themselves saying, “It is a crock of sh*t and it
stinks.”

7. And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, “It is a pail of
dung and we cannot live with the smell.”

8. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, “It is a container
of organic waste and it is very strong such that none may abide by it.”

9. And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, “It is a vessel of
fertilizer and none may abide its strength.”

10. And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, “It
contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong.”

11. And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, “It
promotes growth and it is very powerful.”

12. And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, “This
new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very
powerful effects.”

13. And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.

14. And the Plan became Policy.

15. And this is how sh*t happens…

==========

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex. Elmer says, “Yes
sir, I did it three times last night with a 30-year-old!”

Leon replies, “You’re kidding. I can’t even manage to do it once. What’s
your secret?”

Elmer replies, “Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread.”

So the second old man rushes to the store. The clerk asks him, “May I help
you?’

“Yes, I’d like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please.”

The clerk says, “That’s a lot of bread. It’s sure to get hard before you’re
done.”

The old man says, “Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?”

=========

A marriage broker goes to see Mr Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years.
“Mr Cohen, don’t let it get too late. I have exactly the one you need. You
only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!” says
the marriage broker.

“Don’t bother,” replies Mr Cohen, “I’ve two sisters at home, who look after
all my needs.”

“That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the
role of a wife.”

“I said ‘two sisters’…. I didn’t say they were mine!”

==========

 

 

      ~ Brick

      ” Thanking Obama for killing Bin Laden is like going into McDonalds and thanking Ronald McDonald for the hamburger. It’s the guy cooking the burger that should get the credit, not the clown.” -The Conservative Lady

Actual Mug Shots

 

 

“OK… What’s on my agenda for today?

Let’s see, I need to shower, shave, eat breakfast, put on my

T-shirt, grab my 9mm, and hold up a convenience store!”

These are actual Police Photos. Note the attire.

Just think about this for a second:

Did you ever see mug shots of those arrested wearing a Bush T-shirt?

Or… for you older guys, an Eisenhower, Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan, or even a Nixon, or Bob Dole shirt?

There MUST be a message here somewhere,

but I can’t quite figure out what it is?

Maybe you can help me out here???

~ Brick

” Thanking Obama for killing Bin Laden is like going into McDonalds and thanking Ronald McDonald for the hamburger. It’s the guy cooking the burger that should get the credit, not the clown.” -The Conservative Lady

 

Squandering our Victory? ~ retired Navy SEAL takes on the UBL capture

   Very well said indeed! ~ Brick

This is from a 21 year U. S. Navy SEAL veteran who has served in The War on Terror and is now retired. He writes for the Premiere Military BLOG Blackfive.net He has hit the nail on the head with this writing, even I have been able to pick out the different stories the last few days.

http://www.blackfive.net/main/2011/05/squandering-our-victory.html

Posted By Blackfive [May 03, 2011]

Squandering Our Victory

Just like everybody else, the news that Navy SEALs had infiltrated Pakistan and shot Usama bin Laden in the face really brightened my evening. I decided to celebrate with a Patel Brothers cigar and two fingers of Jack Daniel’s. Of course my heart was especially bursting with pride at the news that my brothers on the East Coast got the call and executed their mission flawlessly despite crashing a helo into the compound. If you have to be in a helo crash, you are far better off being in one piloted by a Nightstalker of the 160th Special Operations Aviation Regiment (SOAR) because frankly nobody on the planet even comes close to how good those guys are. This is an operation that I have dreamed of being a part of for nearly 10 years, and I have fantasized about rolling up on a target to find UBL in my sights. I am fairly certain that I know somebody on that assault force, and I look forward to the East Coast UDT/SEAL Reunion this summer and sharing a cold one with some of the boys.

By now, May 3, 2011, the stories about how this successful operation is going to ensure a Barack Obama victory in 2012 are legion. I even got an email to that effect on the night of the 1st when we were all basking in the afterglow of UBL’s demise. I’ll admit the thought had crossed my mind, but I dismissed it immediately secure in the knowledge that if any POTUS could fuck this up, he was sure to be The One!  Right on schedule, the Administration has already put out several conflicting versions of actions on the objective, and I have yet to see somebody from the military nay the SEAL community on a podium at the Pentagon laying out the operation and answering (or not answering) questions. The Bush Administration was very good at this, and when some major military operation took place, the White House would direct the media to the Pentagon where some General or Admiral held a press conference often with video clips and some PowerPoint slides showing some the mission highlights. The Bush White House was happy to let the experts handle things and show a unified front.

Meanwhile, between NSC staffers, the WH Press Secretary, Homeland Security, CIA and a multitude of Senior Administration Officials on background, the story has morphed into various versions of events.. While the political side of me sees this correctly as another manifestation of the incompetence of this Administration, this vacillation is causing real harm to the significance of our victory here and to the reputation of the SEAL Teams. Let me assure you right now that there is no such thing as a Kill only mission. If that SEAL operator came through the door to find UBL with his hands up, compliant, and unarmed (including no evidence of a suicide vest) he would have taken a muzzle strike to the face, but not any rounds. He would have swallowed some teeth, been flex cuffed, and dragged roughly out to a marshalling area and then onto the helo. To start out with the story that UBL had used his wife as a shield while shooting at the assaulters and to devolve that into to a woman was wounded and UBL was unarmed and shot in the face is quite a large spectrum of truth. Add to that the false notion of the Kill only mission, and now you have the entire SEAL community being thrown under the bus as wanton killers of women and unarmed civilians.

Are Navy SEALs eager to kill terrorists and UBL most of all? Hell Yeah! But we would not be tasked with a mission profile that excludes the capture of the single greatest intelligence bonanza in the history of the conflict. Certainly we will exploit the intel collected on the target and soon, but if you simply want to kill somebody no matter what, you do not send Navy SEALs across a sovereign border to do it. That is what Hellfire missiles and JDAMs are designed to do.

This is also curious from the standpoint of Islamic sensitivity, which is clearly foremost in the mind of this White House. Only Obama could go out of his way to emphasize the respect for the Islamic burial process only to tee up perfectly the conditions under which conspiracy theories are born. The primitive peoples of the middle east are perhaps the most gullible ethnic group on the planet. When I was in Iraq, there was a widely held belief that VBIEDs were manufactured on our US military base in Ramadi, and that the guys with beards (like me) were actually Israeli agents driving in HMMVs with the Star of David on the door. I shit you not. The point is that coming out with a well laid out media plan that is executed from the Pentagon by experts is critical if your goal is to provide a clear and undivided narrative of the event. Of course, this White House has never been very good at sharing credit and it is that infantile demand for attention that is causing this victory to become muddled in conflicting accounts and naked political point scoring.

Frankly, I am content to watch Obama shoot himself in the foot while still having presided over a tremendous effort by our intelligence community and the SEAL Teams, but Iÿll be damned if he is going to be allowed to implicate my brothers out of his own incompetence or political expediency. More importantly, the killing of UBL is undoubtedly a very significant event in the War on Terror and the momentum that we have gained should not be lost by grandstanding, partisan jackassery, and rank incompetence. Get your sh*t together Mr. President!

The True Soldier fights not because they hate what is in front of them, but because they love what is behind them!